Baby Food and Monthly Cycles
by AnnaMalfoette
Summary: In which Renesmee wonders what periods are. She decides to ask somebody. Humor fic, revised version.


**A/N**: Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer, and no profit or personal gain is being made from this story. Thanks. (:

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Renesmee Cullen was in her room reading Wuthering Heights when she heard it, a loud roar of laughter from the living room. It sounded like when Uncle Jasper and Emmett had force fed her father baby food on April Fool's Day last year. She ignored it- she did _not_ want to see her father choke up disgusting-looking brown stuff _again_. She tried to lose herself in turn-of-the-century England again. She had read two lines before the roars of endless laughter got too much for her to concentrate.

She slammed the book shut in annoyance and turned the book's pages into groaned. It was her fifty-sixth copy of Wuthering Heights. She was usually quite careless with books. She opened her drawer full of ruined copies of Wuthering Heights and tossed the newly destroyed copy in, making a mental note to buy a copy with metal covers.

She ran downstairs with vampire got to the bottom of the staircase and said, "Uncle Emmett, put the baby food down-what the hell?" Instead of seeing Emmett and Jasper with bottles of baby food, she saw the two of them sitting on the couch watching TV and laughing like there was no tomorrow. She raised an eyebrow and went to sit next to Jasper on the sofa.

Renesmee looked at the TV- what was so funny about Discovery Channel and Living? She paid close attention to the documentary, creasing her forehead. She didn't understand it at all- she heard the words "pads", 'tampons", "periods" and "monthly cycle" repeated over and over again. When it was over, she turned to Jasper and asked:"Uncle Jasper, what are periods?"

Both Jasper and Emmett, who had been laughing uncontrollably, stopped laughing and froze. Renesmee pouted, waiting. She remembered once her mother had told her that her father had gone into shock [Breaking Dawn] and had taken awhile to respond to anything. After a minute, Jasper asked, "Could you repeat that, Nessie?" Renesmee sighed and said slowly, "What. Are. Periods." emphasizing the last two words.

Jasper and Emmett exchanged glances, and Jasper replied, thinking his answer through."Err, its' a time when women bleed for a week non-stop, because…err…""Yes?" She encouraged him, waiting.

"Nessie, we don't know, err, because yesterday, a grizzly bear knocked our heads against trees when we were hunting and we became stupids, that's it." Emmett chirped up. "Why don't you ask…Jacob? I bet he knows." Emmett grinned, and Jasper clutched his sides, laughing uncontrollably again.

"Fine…okay…" Renesmee was confused. Usually her uncles answered all her questions, but now they had just acted like…a bunch of stupids, like Emmett had said they were. She never knew vampires would become so retarded by hitting their heads against trees. But this _was _Emmett. She snorted and turned to go to the garage, where Jacob was sure to be.

Surely enough, Renesmee found Jacob's legs sticking out from under a big red truck, a Chevy perhaps? She wondered if it was her mother's old truck. She went to sit on the hood of the truck. Jacob pushed himself out from under the truck, grinning when he saw Renesmee. She smiled and said, "Uncle Jake, Uncle Emmett told me to ask you something." Jacob's eyes lit up. "Are they force-feeding Edward baby food again?" He asked excitedly. Renesmee grimaced and replied, exasperated, "No, of course not! I have to ask you something, Uncle Emmett couldn't tell me because he said he was a stupid. Uncle Jasper too." Jacob chuckled. "Of course they are, glad they realized it. Now, what do you want to know?" Renesmee ignored the two shouts of; "We are nice stupids!" and "You're stupider!", determined to find out once and for all the answer to her question.

"What are periods?" She asked sweetly.

Jacob's eyes grew as big as saucers. He mumbled something about bloody murder. He replied, "Nessie, no werewolf knows. It's a…mystery to werewolves." He smirked. "Why don't you ask Edward? He's a _very _clever vampire and not a werewolf. While you do that, I shall go talk to Emmett and Jasper." He wiped the dirt off his hands with a rag and ran into the house screaming, "Emmett, you asshole!" Renesmee paused, hearing a couple of crashes and cracks, and Esme scolding both of them upside down. She shrugged and went to find her father.

Edward was in his room, lazing on his black leather sofa reading The Host when Renesmee walked in. She snuggled next to him on the sofa. Edward looked down tenderly at his daughter. 'What is it, sweetheart?'

Renesmee began. "Daddy, what are periods?"

He stopped, and the book in his hand plopped onto the wooden parquet flooring. Renesmee felt even more mystified than ever. Why did this particular question incite such behaviour in adults?

"W-W-What?" was all Edward had managed to stammer. Renesmee felt her patience wearing thin. Usually, nothing fazed her father, not even Emmett. She repeated the question, hoping her father would have the answer.

"The bloody werewolf told you to ask me, right? I am so going to rip his head off when I get the chance…" he was going to continue, but Renesmee placed her small hand over his mouth and said, "Dad. Answer the question, please. Uncle Emmett and Jasper couldn't tell me because they hit their heads yesterday while hunting and became stupids and Uncle Jake couldn't tell me because it's a werewolf mystery. Please tell me." She pouted.

Edward sighed and said, "Periods are when a human girl who has reached puberty bleeds for a week or so every month. Vampires don't count. Werewolves either." He snarled at the word werewolves.

"Why do they bleed? What's puberty? Does it kill? What the hell, if you bleed so much won't you die?"

Edward was freaked out. "Err. Puberty is when…a human girl is nine to eighteen. It doesn't kill and will last for awhile. And the blood is um, well…"

Renesmee waited.

Edward was going to crack. "Good Lord, I can't take this anymore." He put his head in his hands and groaned. "Please go ask Carlisle."

She was puzzled and a tad annoyed. She glowered at her father and walked out of the room, slamming the door in her wake. She went and waited for two seconds outside Carlisle's study room door.

"Come in, Nessie!"

Renesmee walked in and sat on a leather chair in front of him. "Grandpa, what are periods?" she asked politely.

Carlisle, who had been writing a letter, paused. He looked up and thought for a moment. "W-What-what-huh?" He crushed the pen, splattering ink. Renesmee would have laughed, but she resisted.

"Well, Renesmee…' he began after a long moment of thinking.

"Menstruation is the shedding of the uterine occurs on a regular basis in reproductive age females of certain mammal species. Overt menstruation (where there is bleeding from the vagina) is found primarily in humans and close evolutionary relatives such as chimpanzees. The females of other placental mammal species have estrous cycles, in which the endometrium is reabsorbed by the animal (covert menstruation) at the end of its reproductive cycle. Many zoologists regard this as different from a "true" menstrual cycle._Eumenorrhea_denotes normal, regular menstruation that lasts for usually 3 to 5 days, but anywhere from 2 to 7 days is considered average blood loss during menstruation is 35 millilitres with 10-80 mL considered normal; many females also notice shedding of the endometrium, lining that appears as tissue mixed with the blood. (Sometimes this is erroneously thought to indicate an early-term miscarriage of an embryo.) An enzyme called plasmin— contained in the endometrium — tends to inhibit the blood from clotting. Because of this blood loss, premenopausal women have higher dietary requirements for iron to prevent iron deficiency. Many women experience uterine cramps, also referred to as dysmenorrhea, during this time, caused largely by the contractions of the uterine muscle as it expels the endometrial blood from the woman's body. A vast industry has grown to provide drugs to aid in these cramps, as well as sanitary products to help manage menses. These sanitary products include tampons and pads. Common usage refers to menstruation and menses as a period. Aside from its biological purpose, this bleeding serves as a sign that a woman has not become pregnant. However, this cannot be taken as certainty, as sometimes there is some bleeding in early pregnancy, and some women have irregular cycles. During the reproductive years, failure to menstruate may provide the first indication to a woman that she may have become pregnant. A woman might say that her "period is late" when an expected menstruation has not started and she might have become pregnant.

Many religions have menstruation-related traditions. These may be bans on certain actions during menstruation (such as intercourse in orthodox Judaism and Islam), or rituals to be performed at the end of each menses. Some traditional societies sequester females in residences called"menstrual huts" that are reserved for that exclusive purpose until the end of their menstrual period.

Since the late 1960s, some women have chosen to prevent menstruation with long-acting hormonal birth control. Injections became available in the 1960s, progesterone implants such as Norplant in the 1980s and Extended cycle combined oral contraceptive pills in the early 2000s.

Carlisle took a deep breath and said, " Would you like to hear the rest, Nessie?" He grinned.

Renesmee felt her head crack. " No, thank you." She got off the chair and went to find her Aunts Alice and Rosalie. Esme was still lecturing Jacob and Emmett- and Renesmee was not going to ask Esme anything when she was angry lest she get stuck mopping floors with Jake and Emmett.

She barged into Rosalie's walk-in closet. She knew Alice and Rosalie had to go to some fancy dinner and were busy choosing outfits. Rosalie turned around, her five inch heels clacking against the wood floor. She smiled and picked Renesmee up into her arms.

" Hello, darling, what do you need?"

" Aunt Rosalie, what are periods?"

Rosalie stopped and took a sharp breath. Renesmee was certain she was about to be dropped and braced herself for the impact.

" ALICE!" Rosalie screamed.

Alice ran out of Rosalie's bathroom wearing a long, black dress with a baseball bat in her hand. " What did Emmett do, is he feeding Edward baby food again?"

Renesmee intervened, " No, why does everybody think that way? And I just asked a question," she said crossly.

Alice relaxed and said, " What is it, Nessie?"

" What are periods?"

Alice stared at her for a while and then shifted her gaze to Rosalie, who simply had a glassy expression in her eyes.

" Um. Its when girls who don't get pregnant bleed. Every month. And err, have to bleed the extra blood meant to keep the baby alive out."

Renesmee seemed to understand. " Why do they need extra blood? Is it for the baby to drink?"

" No, darling, I don't know. Rosalie doesn't know. She er, forgot."

Renesmee sighed and looked at the clock-it was time for bed.

" Goodnight, Aunt Alice and Rosalie." She hugged Rosalie, jumped out of her arms and hugged Alice. She left to go to her room. She was really confused and tripped on her own too feet by accident. She felt a pair of cool, strong arms catch her- Edward's- and carry her to her room. "You're just as careless as your mom used to be," he laughed. She giggled drowsily.

She saw Edward murmur something into Bella's ear, and heard her mother laugh gently. Bella took Renesmee from Edward's hands and tucked her into bed.

When Edward wasn't looking, she murmured into Renesmee's ear.

" Regarding your question, darling…you _really_ don't need to know."

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Review? :D No, I _don't_ know why everything became 'centerized' suddenly. And I like flames too! Somewhat.


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